Chapter 5 : Speak Out Loud!!!

Ah bosannye hidup sorg2 ni..ok I only got 3 siblings, sulung abg and 2nd 2 akak la..it was started time sy umur 11thn I think, my bro dh msuk matrix and my sis dh msuk mrsm time fom 1..so tinggal la sy sorg2 kt umah dgn mak n babah, it was fun at a moment cz dpt luangkn mase dgn parents berdua je..but as a person growing up at that time mmg sgt mmbosankn by not having anyone else besides me and it is very lonely for me..ade siblings pn tp kne duk kt umh sorg2 je,and I slalu berangan biler blik skola leh maen2 dgn siblings and riuh la ckit umh 2 xde la snyap sgt biler blik umh 2..sbb 2 sy suke gi skola n hang out with my frens cz environment nye mriah n sy xrase sunyi pn..lgpn as I growing up to teenage girl sy nk la gk ade tmpt n org utk bercerita n meluahkn prasaan but I didn't get any of that chances when I was younger..that's why sy slalu duk sorg2 dlm umh n blik cz xde spe2 pn nk brckp as my prents are bz with work..every night sy tito kt katil yg bsar 2 sorg2 je,xde org tman pn..ade 1 mase 2 sy trpksa tito dgn prents utk bbrapa bln cz sy tkot sgt tito sorg2 especially time kilat n guruh that is my weakest point..tp lame2 as I think sy kena gak tito sorg2 cz mmg cm 2 la hakikatnye,xkn brubah dgn ade org akn brganti utk tmankn sy time tito..sy really close with my sis leh dikatekn every story sy cite la dgn my sis smpai as i rmember time ayah sy ambik my sis kt mrsm cti skola and they reached home around midnite and sy sruh my mom wake me up if they dh smpai umah just to hug my sis cz I really miss her that time..when I was 16 years old I think,my sis got offer to further study kt United States and my sis pn g la United States kt Rochester,New York for 3 and a half years..during that 3 years and a half there are many things happen,the biggest thing is after sy finish up sit for my SPM exam and my dad breaking out the news by moving to Bangi,Selangor which is bigger city than before,Muar..I have great and warm friends back in school but eventually I had to leave them,sbnrnye dh byk plans and ade plans yg really2 dh cnfirm ktorg nk wt lps abis SPM and my parents really push me to follow them..sy mmg sdih sgt3 time 2 yg hanya Allah jelah yg tao cmne prsaan sy time 2..time 2 kdang2 sy trpkir yg are my prents really understand how am I in that situation?tp nk wt cmne dh takdir n nasib,so I just follow them..mulanye2 mmg xsuke sgt and slowly sy dpt rsekn yg sy really jauh dgn my frens and it was really painful as u can feel that one-by-one your frens slowly to disappear..then I tried to get over it by jln2 kt kl which is my house at bangi dkat dgn komuter so mmg snang la nk gi jln2 kt kl..bln 3 thn 2007 genap 1thn my best fren meninggal cz he was hit by trailer time tgh cross jln..as a teenage girl sy nk try gk fren2 dgn bdk laki,sy knl dgn sorg bdk ni skola kt teknik muar and ktorg fren2 for 1 year and broke up cz I found out he really wasn't a boy for me and both of us is still really young so a lot of things should be focusing on during that time..then mid year 2007 sy dpt offer smbung blaja kt UiTM Dungun,Terengganu for 3 years and sy g la daftar kt sane..blik2 cuti sem 2 best la cz duk bangi n byk tmpt leh nk g,naek kmuter g kl or drive g alamanda kt putrajaya..time sy sem 3 to 4,sy ade la fren2 dgn sorg bdk asasi uia,sbnrnye die bdk muar gk cz dlu time skola slalu la gk prsan time tuisyen sme2 dlu..n sy found out that he is a very sophisticated and materialistic nye guy,jnis nk yg lawa2 n brbody nye girl and yet so many times die pnh ckp dgn sy yg die dh xde prsaan kt sy and yet sy pn bdoh still not leaving him,about 4 months cm 2 we all broke up cz he's leaving for another girl,and I was really sad and yet really silly cz before this still dating him even he got feeling at another girl..however life still moves on,then biler dh single 2 hidup la sorg2 as back to normal..stories cmni mmg slalunye sy ckp dgn my sis tp my sis dh ade kt luar ngara n susah nk always connected..n then lps abis blaja kt dungun for 3 years and sy duk jelah umh,mmg boring tramat sgt cz during weekday both of my parents g keje so sy duk jelah umah sorg2..and once again my dad breaking out the news by moving to ayer molek,melaka which is a place that so far away from the town..once again when I have frens kt bangi my dad msti pindah kt tmpt len,n time ni mmg dh xleh nk kuarkn air mata cz dh trlmpau kebal sgt hati ni cm someone took my happiness shockly just like that,nk la gk dh abis blaja 2 g jln2 dgn kwn2 nk release stress..mmg xbest pindah randah ni cz nk cari kwn2 ni mngambil mase,n pindah kt tmpt mmg jauh drpd population mmg xde n xdpt nk g jln2..my dearest parents,if u ask any person at my age about this situation they will say that they will be very lonely and bored since it is a place with no interest at all..i feel so down and sesak nafas time duk kt umh 2 for about 2 months,Ya Allah perit n boringnye mmg trlmpau yg amat sgt since pg2 dh kne duk umh pg sorg2..sy ingt lg when my dad ckp time pndah ke bangi yg sy leh brjln2 kt kl dgn kwn2 but in the end pndah ke tmpt yg sunyi gk..then during cuti 2 months 2 sy ingt nk kje part time la kt mne2 hotel or restaurant since sy dlm industry ni which require more experience than theory but my prents mmg xbg,sy rse cm trikat sgt nk wt kptusan sndri dlm idup,wt ni xleh wt 2 xleh..we can't make a perfect plan for our children just to get them success tp hakiki nye ati n prsaan kte kabur di mata..then bln 7 2010 sy dpt offer smbung blaja kt UiTM Shah Alam tp sblm 2 sy gi vacation kt penang cz kt sne kmpung nenek n pkcik sy so sy stay kt sne just to get boringness hilang and I can feel the environment that surrounded by people..sbnrnye hepy la gk dpt smbung blaja cz jauh drpd umh,going to big city,surrounded by people,tp ade gk unhepy nye cz sy mmg xde mood sgt nk blaja,tp dh desakan n drongan family so sy trpksa gk go on dgn their choice..n dh msuk dftr kt shah alam kwn2 rpat sy smue xsmbung blaja n I end up sorg2,tp ade la sorg ni dlu coursemate kt dungun n leh than rpat gk la then sy rpat dgn die la skrg ni..bese la br msuk blaja cm2 nk kne byar yran klej n kne anta borang,lao tmpt nye 1 je xpe la ni 1 kt utara 1 kt slatan so quite susah la nk g since bas xlalu area 2..mntk tlng kwn ni la smuenye cm berat je nk bg tlong n kdang2 sy dh smpai malu sgt2 muka ni tebal mntk tlng cz kt cni mmg sy xtao nk mntk tlong spe lg..wlaupn kwn 2 mmg dh byk tlng tp sy leh nmpk btapa beratnye mukanye nk bg tlng..sdih sgt ati sy ni n mase blaja kt dungun sy slalu berangan n excited sgt yg lao sy dpt smbung blaja kt shah alam umh dkat nk blik(lao kt bangi la) every week n lao ade pape prents xjauh sgt,but all of my dreams are booming away from me..lg sdih gk time kwn sy 2 snang je abg,akk,abg ipar,or akk ipr die nk dtg ambk die kt shah alam utk blik umh dorg evry weekend n sy terasa sgt why I didnt't get that chances?since right now my bro n sis alredy married lg la sy tinggal sorg2..sy dpt rse kn my heart is empty..but my family always the best and sy selalu berdoa pd Allah yg 1hari t sy akan dpt kebhagiaan yg teramat sgt utk mngubati kesunyian n burden in my heart..ble sy dh khwin t sy nk anak rmai cz sy xnk hidup dlm kesunyian lg n most importantly sy xnk anak2 sy melalui ape sy dh tempuhi skrg ni and I know how it feels like..to my beloved family,ni luahan hati adik selama dh 10thn trpendam and 10-years of loneliness,nmpk adik might be smiling n hepy but I didn't,this is why I always duk sorg2 je..I think my heart dh kebal sgt if anything happens again and only tears will fall down and starting today I want to be who I wanna be, I don't want to hide anymore..plz forgive me if my story will make u feel angry or sad and this is the only thing I can do n say..think me as the longest and youngest child stayed at home and this is how I feel like,u always think about sis that so far away but your child that is so near to you might not know how she feels..thank you so much 4 everything,but loneliness has been by my side since 10 years ago..I'm Sorry